I’ve felt pretty lost these past two days.
Over this past weekend, I had a lot of time to think. In my previous blog, “It’s Been A While”, I talked about a certain friend that made a “mistake”.
We had a moment today at lunch, where in all honesty, I thought she hated me. It was probably one of the most concerning moments I have had in a while, but it was also very confusing. I have had people hate me for no reason, but my best friend? I texted her and asked her if I did anything wrong, and she said “Can we talk?”.
Needless to say, my anxiety was through the roof. Any time I am confronted or have to talk to someone on their terms, I become very nervous. But, I knew she would never make it uncomfortable for me.
As we walked back from lunch and towards my dorm room, I fell silent. I thought to myself “geez, I fucked up. I really fucked up. How could I confront her about what happened a few weeks ago? Ugh. I should have thought this through. I swear to god, if I hurt her, I will never forgive myself. This is going to turn out like Haley. This is a huge mistake”. This continued at a rapid pace in my mind, and I felt like I was slowly spiraling out of control.
Yet, I appeared calm, and remained calm.
We walked up the stairs, then to my door, then to my room. I opened the door, and walked in. I cleared off my bed, and I sat down. Immediately, she started crying. I felt my heart sink, and I became a rock. I didn’t know what to do. I felt more guilty than I have ever felt. I became rigid, and I tried to soften myself. The thought of causing hurt to someone who didn’t deserve it whatsoever kills me. I felt like I didn’t deserve her in my life, and I still feel like that now. I will forever feel like that; she deserves the world.
Feeling like that made me want to cry, yet no emotion left my body. I sat there, listening to her sob sentences about how sorry she was and how she was a bad friend to me. All I could hear was the pain I caused her. All I needed to do was forgive her, it was that simple.
I have learned the true meaning of forgiveness from the pages of a book.
My favorite novel, Looking For Alaska, raises questions about love, loyalty, loss of innocence, and a sense of belonging. Pudge, one of the main characters, struggles to regain balance in his life when his friend Alaska dies in a car accident. Pudge is forced to completely re-evaluate his life and his belonging in this world, and then realizes that his Great Perhaps is to find out the who, what, when, where, and why that Alaska kept hidden in her life.
I feel very close to Alaska and Pudge. I was forced to re-evaluate my life and belonging, which is a continuing struggle, but also search for my who, what, when, and where.
The labyrinth is something I have questioned for a very long time. How do I get out of this horrible “labyrinth of suffering”?
The way out of this horrible labyrinth of suffering I have been stuck in, is to forgive the people around me who have hurt me so very much and made me a deeply unhappy person, just like Alaska Young. The way out of this labyrinth is to forgive and move on, whether you leave behind the people you thought were true, and whether you leave behind the person you thought you were.
But, this time around, I forgive her, and I hope not to leave her behind. I truly am sorry for the pain I have caused her. I am an honest person, and when I say I forgive, I mean it. I want her around for a long time, but I want her to be able to be happy around me.
My first step, forgiveness.
“No matter how much hurt you have received, somewhere you will find your happiness, and no matter how errant you believe you are, you will always belong.”
-C
- Happy Mediums - 